Dear Mother,
Thanks for following me on Twitter! You are now one of an exclusive eleven, along with such noted tweeters as @nicekindlesee, @sweatshoppepubs, and the UIS Volunteer and Civic Engagement Center. And yes, to answer your question, I was in control of the UIS Volunteer Center twitter account when I followed myself they followed me back in 2010. But it still counts!
That's how long I've had a Twitter account, since 2010, though I haven't actually started using it until now. So far I like the fake accounts of dead people (here's looking at you, @OldHossRadbourn) and this extremely creepy profile picture of Tony Larussa holding a kitten and a puppy. I also like how it's a mildly entertaining way to waste time.
Anyway, I noticed you haven't tweeted yet, so here's a list of tips to get you started:
- Favorite or retweet everything I tweet. I mean everything. I'm surprised you haven't done this already actually. And a little disappointed [insert sad face emoticon]. Do you know how to favorite? Learn how to favorite.
- Do not expect me to favorite or retweet you. It's unfair, I know, but this is how the parent-child relationship works. You give, I take. In return, I'll occasionally write you a letter and bring you the box of good chocolates when I come visit you and dad in the nursing home in 30 years. The real Fannie May chocolates. Even a whole box of vanilla creams, if you want them.
- Don't self-promote. Get other people to do that for you.
- Follow clever people. Unless you're a famous actress or sports writer, Twitter is basically just a contest between a bunch of random people to see who can be the most clever. So there are a lot to choose from. For example, me.
- Don't insult nine-year old girls
- Don't post naked pictures of your current/future grandchildren. Seriously, no matter how cute the picture is. They'll thank you in fifty years when they're running for President. Or in twenty years when they're trying to get a date.
- See number 1.
Twitter is just like every other place on the internet. It's full of frantic, youthful energy, has tons of great information, and its own, techy dialect.
It also has lots of angry, bitter people who hover over everything like a cloud of hate, ready to let the world know that they're above all of us sincere people. So just don't follow that cloud. Or become a part of it.
Follow Barbie (@BarbieStyle) instead. She lives the fab life in 140 characters or less.
With love always,
Your son Jordan
P.S. I know that Dad is about as likely to create a Twitter account for himself as the dog, but do you think it would be OK if I made a fake one for him set one up for him that he could use in the future? I'll probably just do it anyway. I hear that once you get twelve followers, people start to take you seriously.
Jordan Jeffers writes letters to his mother on the Internet because stamps are a form of witchcraft. Feel free to give him electronic encouragement via the little Facebook and Twitter buttons below. Peace.
